Can Your Sexual Debut Predict Your Future?
Your age when you first have sex may have surprising future implications.
Most of us don’t remember every time we had sex, but we remember the first time. Firsts are often etched hard into memory, and they weigh heavily in the formation of our overall impression; hence the enlarged mark of childhood on our adult lives; hence the importance of the first date in a relationship. We remember our first sexual experience because it was first.
But we also remember it because it was sex. Sex is quite literally a major existential concern, and thus tends to resonate deep and wide in our consciousness. Sex, like money, is never just what it is in itself but serves as a medium through which we experience and manifest--often indirectly and unconsciously--a lot of other things. Sexual behavior is a form of self-expression, through which we figure out and experience our deep values, priorities, fears, and desires. In this way, our sexual conduct reflects us to ourselves, like a mirror. In addition, sexual contact, being contact, is also a social act. It places us in--and represents us to--the world. Because, even if the act itself is private, in the end everyone is likely to know about it, even if they keep it secret. That knowledge will affect our position in the social world.
Our sexual debut (science-speak for first intercourse) is a significant marker of both our self and our social identities.
Now a question: Why did you have sex for the first time when you did? Why not earlier or later? This question is interesting not least because it deals with human decision-making. Life, in a sense, is a sequence of decisions. If we can better understand our internal decision-making processes, we will understand better ourselves, and others, as human beings. We will be better able to anticipate, adjust and repair our interpersonal and social relations.
Simplifying greatly, we can say that psychology presents two views on the issue (beyond the effects of social norms, upon which there is wide agreement). One school of thought sees humans as essentially rational self-enhancing agents, seeking to advance their interests through conscious deliberation and calculation. This view focuses on the role of people’s knowledge, plans, and intentions in their decisions: You heard about that thing called sex and decided to have it; you chose an agreeable partner, a time and a place, and then you had sex.
The second school sees humans as much less organized and aware, less proactive and more reactive. The critical question in this approach is not, “What did you plan to do?” but, “What are you willing to do?” According to this view, the sex happened to you when it happened not because you hatched and executed a plan, but because at some point a guy (or a gal) asked if you were willing and you said, “what the hell, why not; yes.”
The truth is that we incorporate both of these strategies. We can all remember decisions--sexual and otherwise-- we studied and agonized over, and ones we jumped into spontaneously, on the fly. Perhaps surprisingly, we often appear to spend a lot more energy, time, thought and intention on essentially trivial decisions (which phone should I buy?) than on the really crucial decisions (how should I live?). I would argue that really big life decisions--what work or career to pursue, where to live, and with whom--are more likely to happen to us by way of willingness than be made by us in an intentional process of orderly and informed rational deliberation. Buying your new iPhone took awareness, market research, pricing, and planning. Your life partner you met by chance and said, “okay, but it's just coffee, I’m in a rush, the new iPhone just went on sale today.”
Either way, many factors shape the decision to have sex for the first time. How these factors interact is not always clear. The psychological literature has shown, for example, a correlation between the level of adolescents’ intelligence and scholastic achievement and their age of sexual debut. Intelligent, good students wait. Why? Not easy to know. Maybe smart students understand it’s worth it to wait with sex, because of the inherent risks. Alternately, good students may spend too much time in the library to find a partner for sex. Maybe an extraneous factor in the adolescents’ family background--some parental behavior, such as close supervision--affects both classroom and bedroom behaviors.
